Advice,

Something to Keep In Mind When Dating

16:45:00 Vanessa S 0 Comments


If you follow me on my old Tumblr blog (which was hardly a blog) I shared this post after a month of dating this one guy (9 dates total). It was one of those where everything was going swimmingly and future dates were planned. But he pulled the rug out from right under me at the very end of date #9 (after I've made him dinner at mine and an hour or so of chatting on my couch). There were no other reasons he gave but that he feels there is someone else out there that's a better fit for the both of us.

After chatting with a friend about this a few days later, they sent me this lengthy e-mail that rings super true with today's dating issues, for both genders. I thought I would share this over here as well. It's some good food for thoughts.


Some people are always looking for a certain feeling out of dating someone, a certain ideal they hold in their mind of what a "perfect" match would look like. I fear it's common for people to get to a certain age and assume that a good match who feel a certain way. And these same people upon meeting perfectly suitable companions conclude that because they don't have that "this is the ONE!!!!" feeling they don't see the reason in continuing. It's a cultural creation build on by brands such as Disney and romantic comedies.
Truth is, not always do good matches feel like anything but a good friendship. It's the shared memories, the building of truth, the act of discovering the person that allows for a solidifying of bonds that can create a life long relationship. But some people have it in their minds that relationships such just CLICK! That feeling okay about a person and comfortable can't be enough, they also ave to feel this overwhelming "weak in the knees" feeling when around the person and if that odes not happens then it's not a good match.
It's an ideal that is based on modern fixations of what love looks like. What truly it looks like is unique for each couple but it will always look different than each person assumed it would but some people allow their assumptions to cause them to keep looking, searching for that white whale, the love that feels magical, that makes them weak in the knees. What they are searching for, in truth, is the flooding of endorphins and serotonin that sometime release in certain situations, the feeling of being excited.
Some relationships do have this but many don't. When people have been together for 15 or 20 years, they may not feel that intense, heart pounding, weak in the knees feeling around their partner. What they do have is a strong sense of familiarity, comfort, trust, bonds built on years of shared vacations and memories. A deeply personal connection with their best friend whom they share a home and life with. One is built on inherent compatibilities and attractions and the latter is built on a sharing of experiences, compromise and trust. Usually, we need the first to get to the second, but some times when the feeling dies, they can't or did not do the things needed to keep bonding until the latter is achieved.
He was searching for that perfect connection and felt though you were perfectly lovely you were not that. I wish he had given it time to mature, to have some shared memories to help bond you both but most people do not really understand what helps long term relationships become long term relationships. They romanticize the hard work of building a relationship with someone who is often inherently different then they are and see fantasies of him or her and his or her love interest simply "clicking" without ever having to adjust his or her assumptions about life. It's not realistic but it keeps some people searching for years or until they can't look any more.
He did not feel you both totally fit and thinks he can find someone else who is a better fit. This does not mean he did not find value in engaging you but that he feels he can find more explicit value by finding someone who will be not just a great person but also will elicit from him this very specific feeling. Think of it as no different than looking for a specific type.
If a person says she only likes brunettes and has only dated brunettes in her past and has only been sexually with brunettes then when she meets a great blonde guy, she is less likely to get as attracted to him as she would with someone who fits certain ideals. she is more likely to be triggered by a brunette than a blond but over time she could build a bond with a blonde as with anyone else and may even reshape her preferences as a result. but that takes time and some people meet someone and something is not triggering the FEELING and they don't give it time to develop.
I am sorry this happened. But I hope you see that this is not a judgement against you. It's actually just an outcome from a culture we have created which has developed unrealistic and unhelpful views about what real long term relationships look like and how they actually develop.

And with that, I hope that YOU, yes you who's reading this know that when someone tells you that it's not working and there's nothing you can say or do to change their mind - it is not a judgement against you.

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